It's been a very long time since I was diagnosed with Bipolar. When the Psychiatrist told me, I felt relieved yet worried simultaneously. I always wondered how my future will be with this complicated condition. When Chris left me, I felt like there was no hope at all for me. I sat there and wondered who would ever love me. Things were hard a lot prior to meeting Andrew. I was single when it seemed everyone else started to get married and have children. I lived in resentment for not being at the same time in life like everyone else.

Some of those feelings still linger. I have Andrew and I love him deeply, but some of my friends and family around my age are getting to that part of life where they are getting married and trying to have a child. So somehow I need to get over those feelings and accept that my time for that isn't here yet.

On a different note with having Bipolar, my family and Amber's girlfriend, Kaylynn all went to the Cincinnati Zoo for the festival of lights. I was a little bothered by how crowded it was, and I really don't like crowds. I obviously underestimated how crowded it would be going there. We walked around and checked out different exhibits like the insects and the monkeys. The most interesting one was the reptiles. Looking at rattlesnakes and cobras gave me some chills. 

Later on that evening, it was getting dark and the lights on the trees and posts became more vibrant to me. I started getting a bit exhausted from all of the walking. I am not used to hour-long walks. We sat down on the bench to take a brief 5-minute break. That moment, I started to cry. A crying spell occurred... and I am wondering why the hell I was crying. There was no particular reason. Everyone wondered what was wrong.. they didn't understand but neither did I. We walked back to the car and drove to a restaurant 20 minutes away. We sat, ate, talked. After awhile, I started to feel better. A smile grew on my face and stayed for awhile right until we got home and I gave Andrew a call when my smile became stronger. 

Having Bipolar can have many disadvantages! Yet because of this condition I have learned to love more and care more than I have before. The people I have met at work as well as Andrew helped me realize that also. Life can truly be beautiful.

Dear Xanga,

Everything's been pretty good. I was hired at Macy's back in May for customer service and still doing it now. I am also still happily with Andrew. Things haven't been so perfect though. I could list a million reasons why life sucks right now, but I am not going to dread on that. Instead, I am going to keep thinking 'positive'. There isn't much positive around right now, but the one thing I am happy for is being employed. Oh, and being with Andrew. It will be a year next month.

My Bipolar has been stable, I haven't had an episode in I don't know how long. Back on medicine and I don't even need therapy. My customers make me crazy but I am a little crazy too so it all works out. I have been dieting and so far lost nearly 25 pounds in 2 months. I tried to get on lap-band but I was discouraged to hear my insurance does not cover any kind of weight-loss surgery. I'll never know why. But one of my supervisors at work simply told me I don't need it and I can lose weight without it. She is right, I can! I don't need a band around my stomach to help me lose weight. All I need is motivation and willpower.

...And the idiots that want to call me fat or ugly can suck it because more than likely I am already hotter than you. So get a life and let me live mine. I am going to prove to the world that I am well-able to take care of myself.

Thanks for reading & God Bless.

Leah

Dear Xanga,

The past, fast months have been so hectic and yet... 100x better. The guy I explained about in my last post.. we're still happily together. It was our 6 months on the 20th of this month. I never felt this kind of love with anyone else before. He gets me & accepts me. We've had so many dumb little arguments and disagreements but it's like for some reason, I can't even stay mad at him. No matter what he does. It's so weird.. I have gone several days mad at a previous significant other. I haven't heard a word from idiot Chris for several months now. Happy? Hell yes.. I have peeked on his Facebook a few times just to see how he was doing. He's still lonely, and still obsessing over himself. I bet his mom is so proud.

I finally did get laid off like 3 or 4 days after I posted my last post back in October. I had to clean up my desk and walk with a pile of books, papers, and other stuff in my hands as I walked to my car in tears. I remember calling my mom... and all she could tell me was to start looking for another job. Well, it's March.. and I am still unemployed. I guess you can say I am not trying hard enough. At the same time though, my options are very limited. These jobs want college degrees, 10 years of experience, or simply to be pretty and smart. I have bills to pay, and time's running out until I run out of money. It's pretty much like a timer. I am always fearing the worst.. but somehow in a way  think there's still hope for me.

Another awful thing is I got put off some of my medicine, and I don't see a Therapist anymore. I lost my insurance back in late January so now I am suck with some Mood-Stabilizers and anxiety pills. Most days it's good enough. I still have days when it's not, though. Random bursts of crying, anger, and sadness. Like today and yesterday, I haven't felt myself completely.

I am hoping soon I:

1) Find a decent job.

2) Get on health insurance, so I can get back on therapy and medicine.

3) Save up money so I can pay off my bills and get my own place.

I think I am good for now. Hope this evening gets better for me.

Sincerely,

Leah ♥